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I have never been a small person. I was born average and proceeded to be off the charts the rest of my life. I was 5 feet tall by the end of the 4th grade. I was 5'11" by the time I was 14. I have never been small.
At age 14, I was 5'11" and weighed 145 pounds. I was a size 8 and my hip bones stuck out 2" from my body. My ribs stuck out so far from my stomach that when I woke up in the morning I somewhat resembled a greyhound. I had no ass to speak of. My breasts were barely there. I thought I was fat. No joke. I also had a BMI that was supposedly healthy for my weight- pretty much the last time that has ever been true.
Fast forward to now- 26 going on 27. I'm still 5' 11". I wear a size 12. I have a butt. I have breasts. I weigh 50 pounds more and I do not think I'm fat. Not even a little. I've got curves for days, and to be perfectly honest, I think I'm a total babe. Modesty is for jerks.
Not only do I happen to think I look great, but I also feel healthy. I eat well. I practice self care. I even joined a gym recently, not to lose weight, but because my job is sedentary, my commute is now, too, and I want to keep feeling healthy. So. Yea.
I was recently lucky enough to have a coworker gift me some personal training sessions they weren't using. I'm a total novice when it comes to working out so I could really use the guidance. Well, my first time with this trainer, she busted out the scale, took my measurements (incorrectly, I may add. My waist is most certainly not 37". It's 32, thank you.), and "measured my body fat" with an electronic device that I assume is entirely inaccurate.
She then basically proceeded to tell me that I was fat. Not in so few words, but in terms such as "Your body fat percentage is way too high." (you know, according to some dumb electronic device). She asked me how much weight I wanted to lose and I told her that I didn't actually care about losing weight, and didn't want to weigh less than 190 because 190-195 is a really comfortable, easy to maintain weight for me. I also told her that I felt anything less than that would be hard to maintain and would really decrease my quality of life. She asked if I meant that I "just wanted to eat a lot of food." Seriously. I don't want to eat "a lot more food". I want to continue to eat the reasonable amount of food I already consume. I want to be able to not feel guilt over the things I eat. I want to not live at the gym. I want to not be obsessing over a measly 5 pounds that won't make me look ANY different. I value my mental health as much as my physical health and obsessing over my weight isn't going to do me any good.
So, personal trainer, fuck you. Not for making me sweat my ass off or for making me sore for three days, but for trying to tear apart a healthy body image that I've spent years building up, all for the sake of a few pounds.
Don't ever let anyone tell you what your body "should" look like. It's your body. It's your home. Love it and accept it, and treat it well. Your health is about the big picture, not just a number on the scale.
XOXO
Becca
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